The serpentine path eventually revolves ⭕

Besides, if you were offered the straight shot, would you take it anyway?

Probably not. Sounds boring. The path we're given is often circuitous and meandering, but the scenery is way better.

I didn't know that skirting close to a relapse followed by a seven year recovery milestone would take me back to the first page of my sobriety journal, but it did.

Written the first week of my one year sobriety "experiment", I had no idea how prophetic those words would turn out to be, although I had a glimmering. The last seven years have not been a smooth and arrowed trajectory. There's been death and perimenopause and kids becoming teens and failure and a pandemic. There has also been four years of a successful podcast and creative risks and a community of creative, sober women 1000+ strong. It's been circuitous and meandering and I'm grateful for all of it.

All of this reflection has brought me back to this: Sobriety is a Midlife Solution. How did I do it, stop drinking? Honestly, it's becoming harder and harder to say. It was part miracle, part spiritual experience, part dumb luck, but mostly I was sick and tired. It's a conversation I'm becoming less interested in having though. Not because I don't want to shut the door to how bad it was, but I'm more interested in how someone stayed sober yesterday. How do you do it when you have to cancel travel plans once again because of rising Covid numbers and deal with teen expectations and keep an eye on a parent's precarious health and sweat through another hot flash? How do you stay sober through all of that?

So I'm creating a space to have these conversations. It's called The Midlife Solution.

Every month, we will explore a topic: Why is sobriety a Midlife Solution? What do I do with this creative sense of urgency? How can I embrace the idea of myself as a "late bloomer"? How happy am I to be going through menopause sober? (Alternative title: I can't believe I'm going through menopause sober?) There will be monthly live calls, community discussions, topical breakout rooms. There will be bonus content, like interviews, AMAs and a book club! (So excited about the book club.) It's almost ready to go and it's what I need, what I've needed all along.

The women who get in this community on the ground level will get to watch it build and evolve but they will also get to influence the shape as it does. The space will only become more valuable with time. If this sounds like a space you need too, the doors will be open soon. Life will always be a labyrinth, but it's a path best navigated with friends.

xoxo

I'd like to tell you about a magical place 💫

It's a secret place...

And while I can't give you all of the otherworldly details this space holds, I must describe this place because, and this may sound hyperbolic, I think it holds some of community's solutions as we warily walk towards 2021.

When Tammi and I opened The Unruffled Podcast secret Facebook group in 2017, I expected it to be a space of empty seats, held spots for other women who had been beaten down by alcohol, much like a recovery meeting. But what would set our space apart would be the allowance for another kind of conversation, one informed by the re-coupling of women to their creative kindling, something they may have feared they'd lost forever. And it has been this kind of space: there is shared empathy and compassion, supportive feedback and story after story of "here's how I did it".

What I did not expect was the microeconomy that has taken root and flourished in this safe, connected space. We buy each other's stuff! We buy each other's programs, coaching, and energy services. We buy each other's art and handmade goods, like pottery and jewelry and blended oils. We read each other's published words, from blogs to books. When I help women develop their creative offerings through my program, Change Your Story, I encourage them to share their offering in the group when they're ready and they will have 900 of their ideal customers waiting. 

It only works because there are parameters, which I'll explain later, but I'd like to tell you why I think this byproduct microeconomy has been so vital:

1. It builds some self-esteem in women who lost so much of it during their drinking years because they now feel seen and supported.

2. It bolsters and validates their creative ideas.

3. They help each other build wealth and by allowing others to extend generosity, a reciprocal energy is created.

These women market their businesses outside of our group too, and I won't mention anyone because of anonymity but I bet they would all credit the Unruffleds as a big percentage of their customer base (I know I do).

In a moment in time when social media can sometimes feel like stepping into Times Square, advertisements flashing and beeping at you and if they aren't outright assaulting your senses, it's a more clever marketing strategy, like a smiling face or sincere words that leave you feeling less violated but still creeped out, this is just more real. Even though it exists in a virtual space, it seems more tangible. Monetary promotion is only allowed on Fridays, so it's the expected day for everyone to show up and say, This is me and This is what I have for sale. There are no hidden agendas, no ways to slide it under the radar any other time. It's straight-forward with integrity and the fact that I'm describing it as refreshing means that it feels like a breath of rarified air right now. I know the pandemic has meant that creative entrepreneurs have had to get more aggressive in their marketing, exhaust every angle, I get it. That I even link back to my website at all in this newsletter means I am complicit. But it's also why I love the integrity of #CreativeShareFridays and the microeconomy that Tammi and I accidentally launched there.

This secret Facebook group is so many things, but what it has also been is a place for women to proudly promote their thing while everyone else gets to hold up a high-five at the least, and monetarily support at best. Maybe these small communities of exchange are going to solve some problems going forward, perhaps, I'm no economist. But I do know that I'm going to champion our space and all of the women that get to engage in its magic.

If you are female-identifying and are on Facebook, you are welcome to join our supportive space. You don't have to have something to sell and if you do, it only happens on Fridays. Just find myself or Tammi on FB and send us a message that you'd like to join.

A Change Is Gonna Come

The biggest lesson I've learned in getting sober is that change doesn't just light on your shoulder like a bluebird in a Disney movie. Change is an action and sometimes it is brought forth by many tiny actions that accumulate over time. Sometimes change is the final tip that happens as a result of many small tips, one bumping up against the next like dominoes, until the last one topples over. Sometimes it's just the act of saying, Nope, this isn't working for me anymore, and that becomes the thing that knocks the first domino over. Some days, you may have more to give towards this change than other days, but the only way that last domino will tip is if you are actively moving towards it.

This could be a blog post about why I marched with 1000s of other like-minded people across this planet on January 21, 2017. Or this is simply a post about change. While I don't think that change begins or ends with one march, it did tip a domino that is bound to hit the next one. There is a giant mess to clean up right now, or many messes if you want break it down into smaller, less overwhelming heaps. And you can't toss a sponge without hitting one. There was a chaotic mess that had been growing for a long time in my head and soul and it had spilled out of me and into my life, family and home.  I finally got to cleaning that up in 2014. Now that my eyes are clear, I can better see the work that needs to be tackled outside of myself. Showing up for that march made me feel like I wasn't showing up with my bucket all alone, but that there are so many to lock arms with, showing up with their buckets too. If you are in recovery, you know the importance of the tribe, the weight of the community that will hold your mop when you need to take a break. That is what the march showed me.

Shaming anyone on either side is not helpful. Arming yourself with compassion is. Making signs and tshirts for the march, I got to express my passion creatively and carry my compassion around, literally, for everyone to see. Love is an action too.

This wasn't my first protest march but it was my kids' first protest march and hopefully it won't be their last. When I marched against apartheid in college, I wasn't thinking about the oppressor's feelings, but this time I did. I guess this is growth and what do you know? Change.