The gifts of the magi-ish 🎁

Today's letter is a tale of two unexpected gifts I received this holiday, but as you'll see, they weren't without sacrifice.

My beloved FIL died right before Thanksgiving 2018. We all miss him very much and luckily have a few things of his of which we are very sentimental. One was his bird clock. We loved this bird clock, ridiculously. It makes bird sounds on the hour, it isn't subtle. It makes some guests angry (like my Mother ). You may have even heard it going off on the podcast. When we moved out temporarily for our remodel, we didn't pack it away but was one of the only things we hung in our new apartment. Well, it fell off the wall not once but twice. The first time, my husband was able to repair it but the second time was a lost cause and we had to throw it away.

On Christmas morning, my husband and I opened our gifts to each other. Bird clocks.

The second gift requires a little back story. My brother has suffered from schizophrenic episodes for over 20 years. The first came when he was in late 20s and all of the research I've done over the years suggested this was a late onset. He isn't constantly plagued either but we've accredited that to the massive cocktail of meds he swallows every day. He's seen so many doctors we've lost count. His family has also suffered immensely. I won't go into every detail because it isn't my story to tell, but just know that every member of my small family has wrung their hands in worry daily observing his rapid deterioration over the last handful of years.

My SIL has been relentless as his advocate in a desperate search for answers and to just receive adequate support for him. The system is not kind. And then came a new doctor. The doctor was actually my niece's pediatrician who also happened to be a geneticist. After observing my brother in a few of my niece's appointments, she couldn't let go the diagnosis my brother received long ago and ordered some genetics tests for him. Lo and behold, my brother has a rare genetic disorder called Urea Cycle Disorder. He was born with it and it basically means his body can't break down proteins properly so ammonia is produced which then causes brain damage. It can present just like a mental illness, except with a few additional symptoms like lethargy and vomiting.

After I had a good cry upon receiving the news, I looked at my husband stunned and said, "Oh my god, I think my Father had this too". The revelation of this would be too long to go into, but he presented the same symptoms although his brand of mental illness looked like rage. I forgave my Father after I got sober and he died shortly after. My rationale for forgiving him was that he had undiagnosed and untreated mental illness and while there is no way for me to prove this now, I'm certain he had undiagnosed and untreated UCD. I'm so relieved that I released myself from the bonds of resentment in 2015, but now I'm exponentially relieved that I did.

When sacrifices are made unwittingly, it feels like loss. The reward is too far out, there's no way to know the story will have a good ending. How annoying are those people that only offer, "Everything happens for a reason"? I'm convinced that those are people who have never traversed with the dark side of grief, loss, addiction, psychic pain, abuse and if this has been their set of circumstances, they most likely just hot-footed through them. And I've only suffered tangentially. To make this all about me would be egotistical. My father and brother are who suffered true loss. My husband misses his Father. I'm certain none of them would have volunteered their lives to be some sort of epic catalyst in my evolution. It's gross to even suggest and yet, I've suffered too. What I do with it is mine to do.

I've been thinking much about sacrifice and what else I'm ready to let go of in anticipation of something sweeter in return. Don't worry, it won't be this letter or the podcast (although Tammi and I are contemplating a break in February) because these hold a more meaningful, tangible connection that contain the sweetness for which I'm longing. And I'm not giving up my small group classes and my one-on-one work through Change Your Story, but how I offer these things may change. That is a spoiler for the next newsletter I'm releasing in the next few days, to close out my thoughts on this and to close out 2020. Hope you'll check your inbox for that.

One last thing, there are a few more days to use a discount I'm offering for my one-on-one work through Change Your Story. Just enter STORY2020 in the checkout for 25% off. You can sign up this week and we can start whenever you are ready in the new year. Offer expires at midnight, Dec. 31.