It found me: putting a bow on 2023

I promise that this isn’t going to be one of those year-end lists that opens with false humility like “Oh, perhaps a few good things happened,” then goes onto regale you with one thing after amazing other. Nor will I give you a list of tragedies that I’ve survived, and I count myself blessed for that. No, God gave me another challenge this year, one that looked very much like last year’s and that was for this experience-seeking, pink-cloud chasing lady to not only live through another ordinary year, but to come out weirdly feeling fortified by the abundance of uncertainty. Yep, said that.

Let me explain, but first, all of the ordinary:

As my landscape of opportunities (in both garment-making and photography) got more and more quiet, I’m proud of the efforts I put forth to create my own. The slowdown encouraged me to inspect what I was doing and what I really wanted to gain. Call it burnout or full-body rejection but to remain a joyful creator, I could no longer participate in the hustle to compete for clicks. Done. I’m grateful for the pedestrianism of part-time jobs to keep me tethered to a rhythm, to people and to financial flow. Out of that, I found that my ambition does still exist but only insofar as the organic growth that happens by reciprocity: putting forth effort and intention and seeing that not only be received but valued. Call me old-fashioned. And more on this later.

Surprises? That I got to see all of my favorite 80s bands this year and all but one show was with my oldest kid. I discovered that we both love to dance, hard and sweaty and unapologetically and just like when I first laid eyes on this kid, I fell in love all over again. The other unexpected love shown through the bright lights of Friday nights and high school football. I can’t tell you the story of despair that was middle school for my youngest, it’s not my story (even while it is). I’ll just say we needed a redemption and she (we) got one. In this area, we’re thriving and I’ll boast Formerly Reluctant Cheer Mom any day of the week. Oh and Taylor Swift.

This is the year that I was asked a question: In the absence of mass appeal or even positive feedback, is art still worth making? If this was a friend’s question, my answer would be an unequivocal YES, of course you should make your art, regardless, in spite of. But experience is meatier than advice. I got to live into my response, really forge answers. What did I come up with? Maybe my art is mediocre, or maybe instead of mass-appeal, my art is specific-appeal but either way, it doesn’t matter. My work as an artist is to remain in a constant state of discovery, adjusting my sails towards truest expression. I’ve learned what it isn’t: Trying to be someone other than my unapologetic self, editing myself, making concessions to please (gesturing to hypothetical people out there somewhere). And what it is? I only need be present to the mystery.

I mentioned the other unexpected delight and that has been the creation of my Substack space: Special. I can be impulsive and shocker, it doesn’t always serve me. There’s something to be said for low expectations. The thrills come easy, for one. And this has been my experience there. Many of you that receive this newsletter have subscribed, thank you! Organic growth feels like true, honest work and I’m steady and patient for it. This essay has probably been my most well-received and it’s entirely free.

I’m excited about the effort I’m planning for Special in 2024 and combined with my acceptance into Life In The Trinity Ministry’s Enneagram and Spiritual Formation cohort study I’ll be doing this year, I now understand why I was given two years to practice ordinary, to practice stillness, to practice meh.

Whatever I’m looking for—truth, God, me—I’m willing to manage the discomfort of ordinary because my hunch is, this is where I’ll find it.

xoxo

PS. This will be my last blog post here. If you want to stay in community with me, please sign up for my new-ish newsletter at Substack, Special: A Serial Memoir. If you like reading about recovery, creativity, midlife, spirituality and a dash of memoir, you’ll like it there, promise.