I'm angry.

And I was hesitant to write about it because it's not fixed.

I recognize my privilege. I have gratitude everyday for my home, my family. I have health insurance! 
I think abundantly. I meditate abundance daily and have for two years.
And please don't tell me to write a gd money story.

None of that addresses the core of my anger: I was never taught, as a woman, the importance of building my own wealth.

I was taught the importance of education, how to find a partner that treated me well, I was taught how to tend to a family and those that I loved, I was taught to be kind. But I was never taught to build wealth for autonomy, and not only for the sake of modeling that for my daughter, but to heal that very long Matriarchal money line that travels back generations.

On Monday, I had a Rune reading with my friend, Falki. We've worked together through my program, Change Your Story, twice. Not only has she become a friend, but she's a powerful, compassionate intuitive. Still, I had no plan to show up with THIS. I don't have shame about it per se, but every time I talk about this, it feels trivial or tone-deaf, sometimes gross. But when she asked me if there was anything coming up for me right now, it just fell out of my mouth. "I'm angry."

I won't tell you about the entire series of events, not only because some of it's personal but we'd definitely be going into TL;DR territory, so here is the gist: This work will not be another cognitive exercise. I knew this, my gut knew this. And this has been my hesitation, somatic work feels way hard and what will I do with all those Feelingsssss? But here I am at a crossroads, I could turn around and walk back to familiar territory and die with this unresolved. I'd be fine with my nice little life. Or I could walk toward this dark and contentious thing that is lodged in me. After giving me several somatic resources to explore, Falki left me with this, "This may sound strange, but tomorrow in your meditation, go to your Root Chakra. See what's there. Ask it what it has to say."

I did follow her advice, but before I tell you about that, I have to tell you about a synchronistic thing that happened along the way. After the reading, I immediately started Googling Falki's suggestions and many, as expected, are unavailable during Covid. I landed on one dance therapy that sounded interesting and after several clicks, ended up on the page of an Austin facilitator. As I watched her introduction video, it slowly dawned on me that I knew her. We'd worked together at a restaurant in the 90s and I don't want to tell her story, but let's just say she had a sobering impression on my 25 year old self. When we surrender and ask for signs, they are abundant.

As to the mediation, again I was distrustful in my abilities to heed Falki's advice. Although I've practiced meditation daily for two years, I still dance with my monkey mind and the monkeys often win. And that did happen this time, but I breathed and focused and within a few minutes, my direction went straight down my core. I knew I was there when my bowels actually rumbled. I was uncomfortable and wanted to flee, but I stayed. I heard a voice that said, "I'm afraid. I'm trapped here." Here is where I could tell you the whole memory, but it would be lengthy. I will tell you this, it's a memory that I visit often because it's my very first memory. I was probably three, sent to my room for something I'd done, there was yelling outside my door, I had to go to the bathroom and I was very afraid. Of course, I ended up pottying in my underwear and I was very, very ashamed. However, this time, I rewound the tape. My adult self appeared in the hallway, opened my bedroom door and took my little self gently by the hand, walked her to the bathroom, set her on the potty while I hugged her, wiped her tears and told her she was going to be okay. I wept and wept through the rest of the meditation.

If you are interested in working with Falki this way, she has a few tiers of engagement on her Patreon page. I know I've just cracked into this work, and there's so much dancing I must do to finally release this. I don't need millions of dollars in my bank account, I just want peace and for the first time ever, I think I'm finally getting a glimpse.