9 Years.

I intentionally saved Monday’s newsletter for today, 7.13. It’s a special day for me and I always acknowledge it with some words of reflection, so thank you for accepting this special edition. Today marks 9 years of sobriety. Alcohol was my drug of choice and it is seriously nothing short of a miracle that this lush has done 9 years of life without a sip.

Time can be stingy with her insight. I was so full of questions in the beginning. I wanted to know, Why did I do that? Why was I made this way? Why did it take me so long to quit? Why, why, why? But Time, in her ever omniscient wisdom, has only answered a few of those questions and the bulk of the story is still developing.

Here are a few things I know:

Being a lush was fun and glamorous for a long time until it wasn’t, as they say, but I was unaware of the moment it went from was to wasn’t.

Closing every party like an even sadder version of Peggy Lee singing “Is That All There Is?” is definitely a sign of that shift, but you can find forgiveness for yourself for not seeing it.

Windows of clarity are as real but as elusive as my kitty and anyone who gets close to one is very fortunate.

Many of life’s problems can be attributed to alcohol’s fallout but no matter how much karma debt you’ve paid off, sometimes life will just wreck you. You will find ways to respond that will surprise you.

You can be spontaneous and impulsive, you can have many ideas that hit the cutting room floor but you can also make daily right choices, you can follow through, and be proud of yourself for doing so.

I’ll say one more thing with you in mind. It’s no coincidence that I quit drinking in the thick of perimenopause. My body was in revolt (sorry I’m about to get corporeal up in here). I was bleeding like I’d been murdered, I couldn’t sleep for sweat and anxiety pouring out of me at 2am every morning like an alarm bell. I was constipated, creatively and well, all the ways. The body is always the first to send out the SOS and I believe it’s merely the messenger sent from the soul, but I shot the messenger, over and over until that aforementioned window of clarity that I just knew if I didn’t try, I’d die. So I wedged myself through.

If you need some support, my inbox is open.